In the last week, I have had a lot of time to think. About life, running and who I am in general. It is amazing how much time I have had to think when I wasn’t running. Because to be honest…I thought I did most of my thinking while running. I have always been looking to be better than I was before, who I was before and the life I previously belonged too.
Not many people know my back story and some things I have been through that made me who I am today. People see me as an outspoken person that doesn’t really beat around the bush, they either see this as a flaw or a strength, depending on which side they feel they are on. In reality, I am honest and it can be abrasive to those that aren’t expecting it or don’t want to really hear what I think. In reality, I am damaged and highly sensitive. I have dealt with many things that have made running what it is to me today and made me who I am.
I have been physically, emotionally and verbally abused by multiple people in my life. I used to be terrorized on a very regular basis, I would get screamed at, pushed, shoved, thrown around, called every name you could possibly imagine and then walk away trying to pretend it didn’t happen. This happened to me at different levels with different people in my life. Both of which, I let do these things to me for far too long before getting out of the situations I was in.
For a very long time, I blamed myself. Why else would this have happened to me repeatedly? Why else would someone do these things? I had to be the cause, I thought I deserved it. I tried to stay strong for my kids and so the people around me wouldn’t know what I let other do, and get away with. I didn’t want anyone hating me or talking poorly about those around me so I just let it be. Unfortunately, this is how many abused women live. In secrecy. Not letting anyone know what is really going on behind close doors in fear for either their lives/more abuse or embarassment.
It is a fine line you flirt with once you are out too. Do you tell anyone? Let them in? Hope they don’t hurt you too. That decision is a hard one to make. So when I started running in 2014 (again) it was my outlet. The way I would process information, run out the hate, pray to God and try to find a peace I didn’t get at home. It saved me in a lot of ways. I thought I had to have running to have peace and honestly up until recently…I did.
Kevin saved me from that, (thanks mister!). He may not realize it but he did. I no longer feel the need to hide from the world and let my inner demons eat me from the inside out. He knows it all and I trust him completely with it. He knows that I still have certain triggers that make me shut down in a matter of seconds and he knows exactly what to do to prevent that from happening. He has helped me grow in many ways.
Two years ago I had given up on a lot in life. I only wanted to be the best mother I could be so my children could grow up and be happy. Finally. <–They were hurt too, it is a hard thing to admit but they were and now they flourish!!! 🙂 When Kevin came into my life I didn’t have many expectations, he is a couple years younger than me with no children of his own. So to have him be able to impact my life in the way he has…is HUGE! He loves me and my children unconditionally with all of his heart and we couldn’t be more appreciative of what he brings to our lives.
Now my running isn’t about running away. It is about moving forward, growing as a runner, a mother, girlfriend and family. I am able to focus on my life while at home and my running while I am running. It is really a freeing feeling.