This post isn’t going to be filled with pictures but it is honest! The most honest and open post I have ever written.
Fear: I am not a good enough runner! Numero Uno right here! I always have the fear that I am not doing good enough! Not only that but people I don’t know are judging me for it! Crazy…I know! I actually like having people there to cheer me on but I still feel almost embarrassed at times even if I do well. I am just an average runner I know this but I have a hard time going to races with other people I know there. Deep down this comes from me feeling as if I need to do well so I have something to be proud of. I need to work on truly being proud no matter what the outcome. Every run, every race has something to be proud of, good or bad! Every runner has struggles. Every runner has bad days. This year I am going to do what I have to and make sure I am proud of myself no matter what!! I don’t need to be good enough for you, my friends, or other competitors….I only need to be good enough for me! So, I need to quit making excuses when my legs are on fire and I want to give up. I can do it, I will do it! I will be good enough for me! Every run. Every race!
Fear: I am not a good enough friend! I don’t have many real true friends that don’t work out/run. Why? I haven’t invested in those relationships around me in a long time. I turned into kind of a, if you don’t work out you don’t exist kind of friend….not good! I didn’t do this on purpose, it is just really hard to have a normal friendship with people that don’t work out. I feel that when I talk about it they either one: make fun of me or two: don’t want to hear it. I don’t need friends that won’t support me in all things, whether they are into it or not. I mean, I don’t expect them to go run a marathon! Just be happy that it makes me happy, not ridicule or completely change the subject. I don’t drink and go out on the weekend so I can get in that long run! Not a huge deal! We can still have lunch right? Nope…guess they don’t think so! I tend to blame this on myself. I have come to realize, it’s not my fault. I have chosen to change the way I live my life. I am happier and healthier now! Just because I choose not to do certain things doesn’t mean I have changed as a person. My priorities have changed a little that’s all. True friends should be ok with that. If not I guess it is their loss and I will just have to accept that not all people are as loyal of friends as you might think.
Fear: I am not strong enough! I am frightened to death every single time I think of racing anywhere. What if people see me fail because I really can’t do it? This also partly has to do with my body image. I don’t like my legs at all and haven’t for a long time. Last summer I wore shorts more times that I ever had before!! I was running, it made me feel “better” about them…buuuuuuuuuuut…they aren’t these defined, super awesome runner legs…at least yet! I hope they will be someday but I still have work to do. I need to be OK with that!! I didn’t run for 13 years!! In that 13 years, I had three kids, ate whatever I wanted and made no attempt whatsoever to take care of myself. Fixing this will take time!! I will tone up more, but it is not instantaneous. I need to be ok with that and I am going to make sure I know that regardless of how strong I look, I can run mile after mile! My body IS strong enough to do that!!!! And it is only getting stronger from here!!!
Fear: People won’t approve of me if they know I used to smoke!! Big one here, I even tried to hide it when I smoked! But I did and I am not proud of it. I smoked! I can’t deny it. I wish I could. I am not proud of it and I wish I never had done it. But it doesn’t make me a bad person. I quit and can now show people that it can be done! You can quit smoking! It isn’t easy but you can do it! I quit smoking May 2, 2014. On May 24th I ran my first 5k. Since then I have run 2 half marathons, numerous 5k’s and 10k’s! I am now training to run a marathon!!!! I stopped smoking LESS THAN A YEAR AGO!!!! If people want to judge me for that…then shame on them! And shame on me for even worrying about it to begin with!
So what is the point of all this fear stuff???? I am out to battle the demons! I am going to rock out 2015 and do it with NO FEARS!!!! And I mean NONE!!!